A few months ago Chairman and former Nestle CEO Peter Brabeck-Letmathe uttered something that will remain in the public eye for years to come—and for good reason. Claiming that water isn’t a human right, the Austrian billionaire confirmed he’s serving as the inspiration for actor Christoph Waltz’s Bond villain in the next 007 film: Spectre. Unfortunately, novelist Ian Fleming declined to comment on the matter. However, rumours abound that Fleming feels none of the ‘baddies’ he created in past Bond books demonstrate evil tendencies that are anything comparable to the sheer malice and megalomaniacal tendencies the Nestle Chairman demonstrates on a daily basis.
Claiming this revelation proves he’s “failed as a writer,” a visibly downtrodden Fleming has requested he shadow Brabeck for several months in an attempt to base his next Bond villain on Nestle‘s Chairman. Hoping to gain access into perhaps the most twisted and jaded minds of this century, Fleming hopes readers will soon learn if Brabeck truly does recreate each scene from the popular Saw horror franchise.
No response has emerged from the Nestle executive’s camp, but sources say the executive has plans to visit several slave plantations along the Ivory Coast to “keep [his] spirits up in these difficult times.”
While the site of overworked, underfed children who’ve been taken from their families to work on cocoa plantations in Western Africa brings instant joy to the Austrian—assistants cite an almost “childlike love of seeing others suffer”—his recent comments about universal access to water have many penciling in Brabeck as this year’s Anti-Humanitarian of the Year. Despite it being so early in this awards season, voters will need to see some impressively sadistic moves from perennial challengers Donald Trump and Lex Luthor to challenge Brabeck for this year’s crown.
Also helping the aspiring Doctor Evil‘s case is an agreement made with the Canadian Federal government, where Nestle secured billions of tons of water for $2.25 per 1 million litres.
Many in the psychopathic community have applauded Brabeck’s commitment to evil, as actually following through on obscenely ignorant claims is a talent widely seen as unteachable in the super-villain community. What’s more, famed documentarian Michael Moore has cleared his schedule to capture the blatantly nefarious acts being displayed by the former CEO.
“We haven’t seen villainy at levels like this since Stalin himself,” the acclaimed filmmaker was quoted as saying.
Let’s just hope that Waltz’s turn as Bond nemesis resembles the swimming pools full of puppy tears that line Brabeck’s property—acquired through an appropriately suspicious money laundering campaign.
With visionaries like Brabeck around, one percenters the world over can rest assured that greed has overcome compassion once and for all.
For more on Nestle‘s complete disregard for humanitarianism, including fair trade report cards and child labour laws, visit the Global policy forum.
And for those of us who give two shits about common decency and other weak virtues, be sure to boycott Nestle products during your next trip to Wallyland.
(Submit witty and equally thought-provoking sign off here)