Without a Smart Phone in 2015

Phones have become larger than life. Not literally, of course. They’re typically very small and can be easily crushed with almost anything you’d find lying around the house.

But what they can DO is remarkable. Anyone from 2 to 99 years-of-age can pick up an iPhone, press that friendly home button and instantly communicate with the world around them.

Which brings me to my conundrum—the phone I currently own is complete garbage.

It drops calls, butt dials coworkers, loads random adds while I’m setting my alarm clock. You name it, my Samsung NeverFun has tried absolutely everything to slightly inconvenience the way I live my life.

What can I say? I’m a child of the first world and being slightly inconvenienced is torture to my generation.

But I’m not your typical Tweet-til’-you-die, Instagram mainstreaming, chronic Facebook liking, Tinder aficionado.

In fact, I make EVERY EFFORT to separate myself from “Mr. Smarty McMobile Googleson” whenever I can. There are many reasons for this, most of which stem from a conversation I had with a radiologist on a flight back home from London.

“Don’t keep it in your pocket all day, I’ve seen things,” she warned.

Knowing this, dear reader, I’d like to introduce the b!tch of a paradox I currently face:

I don’t want too much Smartphone in my life. But I need too much Smartphone in my life.


Anyway, here’s 5 reasons why life in 2015 sucks without a reliable mobile friend:

  1. Every little tap of the screen becomes an ordeal. Wanna read an article about sports? Sorry, your phone’s having trouble loading the 3 shoe company ads that accompany every click.
  2. You can’t effectively use ANY application. Say buh-bye to Instagram—your phone’s camera doesn’t work…or takes minutes to load…you’re not sure…nothing in life is worth waiting 2 minutes for…
  3. You’d rather not text. That screen’s so damn small…and my finger’s are so damn big. Hold on, another ad just popped up while I was trying to write “sup foo.”
  4. Don’t even bother calling anyone. I just had a 10-minute long conversation with my boss and my speaker doesn’t even work. Think he cares what his employees have to say?
  5. Prepare to get back in touch with your ex-girlfriend. Sorry, Cherise, I must’ve butt-dialled you. Why would I lie about that? No, I DON’T have feelings for you anymore—we’ve been over this!!! OK, coffee next Tuesday sounds good.

For just a second, let’s forget that our material well-being is manufactured in a hellish warehouse a few thousand miles East of here.

And let’s acknowledge that most of us prefer a society with Smartphones,

But I’m still skeptical about the long-term health implications of these little devices on our bodies (given that it takes MILLIONS of years for living organisms to adapt to dramatic changes), but I figure that life under Apple is better than ANY OTHER TIME IN HISTORY.

I gotta hit up the mall and find a cheap way back into this decade.

If you liked this, like this.

(Insert witty and equally thought-provoking sign off here)

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